The Struggle for Inner Peace – Chapter 2

Discovering Yourself

Discovery, a fascinating, satisfying experience - but sometimes oh, so painful! So Jack and Ann found it.

They met during a college football game, then started dating. In walking Ann to class and in taking her to parties and games, Jack discovered some things about this girl. He quickly learned that she was a very neat person. Her clothes fit perfectly and were never wrinkled. Her papers were always carefully written. He heard from the girls in the dorm that her room was always straightened, her closet in order.

One day Jack found out that Ann was like this despite a careless roommate. Ruth was inclined to let her bed go unmade and her clothes lie in a heap. But she did not remain untidy for long. Ann kept after Ruth about her responsibilities. Sometimes Ruth complained to Jack that Ann was too fussy. But Jack had to admire Ann's stand. After all, how can you argue with someone who takes the lead in keeping things neat, even to the point of doing the job herself when her roommate fails?

Jack also had great respect for Ann's academic achievements, and even greater respect for the way she got her good grades. Ann was a serious student. Nothing came ahead of the books. He often wished he had just half her drive.

He was too easily satisfied with just getting by. But things began to change after they became better acquainted. He felt she inspired him.

"Let's unwind over a pizza," he would say after classes.

"Let's work on your English Literature first," she'd reply.

Jack never paid too much attention to his appearance till Ann opened his eyes to the pulled threads of his sweater or his need for a haircut. He began consulting her on how to dress properly for a particular kind of date. Also, Ann got him back into church. He had become lax, but now always went with her - and they arrived on time.

What more could anyone ask? When a fellow improves his appearance, raises his grades, becomes more punctual, and gets interested in church, isn't it all to the good? Jack was quite intrigued that a girl had done so much for him, and only slightly annoyed that without her he had been unable to see himself as he really was.

Their courtship was casual, quite uneventful. They talked everything over and settled all issues. Once in awhile, however, Jack had to admit to himself that he found relief in getting back to his room where he could relax, sprawl if he wanted, pick things up only when he felt like it – but, even so, her way was better.

Shortly after graduation they were married. The ceremony went off flawlessly. Ann's mother had thought of every detail; the music, the procession, the vows, the reception - all ticked off with clocklike precision.

Having majored in business administration, Jack was soon hired by a large company as a management trainee. Ann got a job teaching fourth grade. Together their paychecks were ample to allow them a nice apartment and many extras.

One night at Jack's suggestion, they went out to look at cars. He wanted to see the new models; she thought they ought to limit themselves to a used car. He had long dreamed of someday owning a beautiful, powerful new car, and only reluctantly did he put aside the idea. Ann reminded him that they needed to save their money to buy a house, and he could see that she was right.
Jack had a way of coming home from work, settling down on the sofa, and kicking off his shoes. Quietly, Ann would pick up the shoes and put them in the closet. After a short nap Jack would jump up and feel for his shoes.

"Where are my shoes?" he would call, loudly enough for Ann to hear him in the next room.

Ann never shouted. She would come to the living room and say very evenly, "In the closet, Dear."

Jack habitually peeled off his suit coat and draped it over a chair.

When he wanted it again - no coat.

"Where's my coat?" he would bellow impatiently.

And again Ann would come to the room and answer, "In the closet."

She was quiet, steady, dependable. How could you quarrel with her way of life? Because she was the way she was, Jack always bit off the harsh words on the tip of his tongue. It was better that way.

Dinner was always on the table at 6 o'clock sharp. At times Jack would sleep till 6, then wash up. Invariably, Ann would be seated. He would mumble an apology for being late, and grace would sound a little forced.

By the second year of their marriage they had saved enough to make the down payment on a house. How hard it had been to get together on a location, then on a specific model. They came closer to an argument over those decisions than over anything in the past. Once the house was built, they lacked furnishings. Jack wanted to buy what they needed on credit; Ann convinced him that this wasn't wise. So they moved in the few pieces of furniture they owned. The living room looked empty to Jack, and he wondered how long it would take to make this house look like a home.

He decided to have the yard sodded, but Ann called his notion extravagant. "You can seed it yourself after work," she said. About this time a coolness began to develop between them. The usual hug-and-kiss greeting no longer provided the pleasure it once had. They kept up the ritual, but it became a chore. Because conversation at times threatened to border on controversy, long silences developed.

They were glad to spend their evenings reading, watching television, attending church functions, visiting friends - anything to keep from talking to each other. Each was afraid to ask the other, "What's wrong?"

Neither could put a finger on any real issue between them. Yet something seemed to separate them. They ought to talk more, they decided, since each knew that communication was important to a successful marriage. So they talked more, though often silence was preferred. In one of their long talks they settled once and for all that there was no unresolved issue between them.

They kissed, declared their love for each other, and agreed sincerely that they saw eye to eye. Yet each knew something was wrong.

Jack and Ann felt frustrated. They were an educated, dedicated, ambitious couple who shared common goals, were active together in church, and were loyal to each other. What was this quiet, mysterious, sinister force that threatened their marriage?
When they came for counseling, Ann said, "Dr. Brandt, we prefer to be together as we talk to you." "That's right," joined her husband. "You see, we do everything together. We have nothing to hide from each other."

That first session was a puzzling one. I could come up with no clue to their trouble. There were no issues, no unresolved problems. Only one suggestion occurred to me.

"Will you watch for any differences of opinion that may arise this week and pay attention to your reactions?" I asked. "And will you try to review your life together to see if there can possibly be any unresolved problems?"

Ann broke in: "I'm sure there are none. We love each other and solve any problem as soon as it comes up."

"That's true," said Jack, right behind her. "Are you suggesting that we aren't honest and open with each other?" Turning to his wife he said tenderly, "You are open with me, aren't you, Ann?"

Her answer was to nestle in his outstretched arms. They looked at me as if I were an enemy seeking to drive them apart.

Surprisingly, they were back the next week. Neither had seen any sense in it. Yet that nagging coolness remained, and they had to admit that something was wrong, something they either could not or would not see. Gently but firmly I urged them to try again to discover it.

"If there is an ache in your body, something is wrong," I reminded them. "No matter how reluctant you are to admit it, you must find and correct the trouble to get rid of the ache. Coolness between people is like an ache. Something is wrong. This may be a frightening idea, and you may prefer that it did not exist; but you cannot wish trouble away. You must get at it by uncovering the cause and removing it."

Next week they returned. Ann asked to see me alone. She entered the consulting room, closed the door, slumped into a chair, buried her face in her hands, and began to cry uncontrollably.

What had happened? She had made a discovery, and not a pleasant one. The past week had been rainy. Their lawn still wasn't in, so naturally mud was tracked into the house. Tuesday was an especially trying day in the classroom, and she knew she had to go to a church meeting that night. She was tired - worn out physically, fed up with the mud that seemed to be everywhere. As she stood at the kitchen sink peeling potatoes for dinner, she heard a car pull up in the rutted driveway. That would be Jack. The door opened and slammed.

"Take off your shoes on the landing!" she shouted, too tired to go to the stairs as she usually did. She heard one shoe fall, then the other. Jack came into the kitchen; absentmindedly she asked, "Did you take your shoes off?"

Using ample lung power he shot back, “Yes I took my shoes off!”
Ann broke into tears. “You don't need to shout at me.”

"You don't need to shout at me either," he snapped. He was furious.

Jack wavered between two impulses. One was to take her in his arms; the other was to run. He ran. Into the bathroom he went, slamming the door behind him. Once there, he felt ashamed and confused. Not knowing what to do, he slipped into the living room and hid behind the evening paper.

Ann called dinner at 6 as usual. Jack went silently to his chair. Grace was said under considerable strain. Jack looked up to see Ann's eyes were red and swollen. She looked so pathetic, but he was frozen in his chair. There was nothing he could think of to say. Ann had nothing to say. So they didn't talk about the incident. And they hadn't brought it up since, till Ann mentioned it in her interview with me alone.

Later Jack came into the office for a private talk. I told him that Ann had shared with me the shouting episode. He was upset.

"She told you about that?" He had assumed she would keep such things to herself. He certainly would have. Then he assured me that their spat was only an isolated incident. Why make a mountain out of a molehill?

That was a good question. So I turned it back to him. "Why make a mountain out of a molehill?"

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"For an isolated incident, aren't both of you carrying this rather far?"

Jack became thoughtful. Perhaps I was right, he said ruefully. This little incident had created a thick wall between them.

A week of silence followed during which neither exerted an effort to make up. At the next visit Ann had little to say except to remark that Jack seemed very distant. The whole situation was muddled to her. She just couldn't think.

Jack was more talkative. He had done some thinking, and he didn't like what he was coming up with. During the week his mind had wandered back to their courtship days. Yes, he had admired Ann's neatness. He had also entertained a thought or two in those days that maybe she was a bit too fussy. But he had never allowed so unkind a thought to linger. Now, by contrast, he thought more frequently of her fussiness, and he found himself dwelling on the thought.

He remembered how Ann constantly prodded her college roommate to be neat. Now, he was thinking, she's keeping after me in the same way. He realized that he resented the push.
Oh sure, Ann had changed his whole life for the better. But when she hadn't pushed him into a change, she had pulled him.

I asked Jack if he had shared his thoughts with his wife.

"Are you kidding?" He was amazed at my question.

"Why don't you?"

"No," he smiled, but not happily. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Jack apparently had forgotten telling me during our first session that they talked everything over and he had nothing to hide from Ann. No doubt they both believed what they were saying. It is indeed true that a person can deceive himself. According to the Bible: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? 'I, the Lord, search the heart; I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings'" (Jer. 17:9-10).

Evidently, when Jack and Ann said they shared everything, they meant sharing what they thought would not disturb the other. To return to my interview with Jack, I asked "How would Ann take it if you shared your thoughts with her?" He didn't know and would not even consider talking to her as he had talked to me. In fact, he felt terribly guilty for having told me such things. His wife was a wonderful woman. He owed a lot to her; she had inspired him to work hard, to set wise goals for his life, to take his responsibility as a Christian seriously. If it hadn't been for her, he might have drifted far away from the Lord. But after he said all that, the resentments of her fastidiousness, her bossiness, her pushing were still there.

Toward the end of our session, I called attention to the Apostle Paul's goals as outlined in Philippians 3: 12-15. Paul realized that he was not perfect. Still he was open to learning. This willingness to know and to be known was what he called perfection. He added that for anyone who would be perfect, God would reveal any reluctance to know or to be known. Look at his exact words:

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you (Phil. 3: 12-15).

"Maturity," I told Jack, "is not having arrived, but the will to see new light. Personal growth and development is based squarely on an honest look at yourself with the intent to correct any failings you may discover."

Getting to Know Me
The starting point is self-discovery. The psalmist wanted to know himself, and he knew it would take God to help him do it: "Search me, 0 God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me" (Ps. 139:23-24a).

How do you discover yourself?
Through their marriage Ann and Jack learned some things about themselves. Parents get to know their true selves through experiences with their children. Some persons get glimpses of themselves through working for or alongside others. The intense competition of sports will mirror the character of an athlete. Your relationships with people and your responses to the events of life will bring into focus both your qualities and your blemishes, both your strong points and your weaknesses.

You can see yourself in the Bible, "a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart" (Heb. 4: 12). The Bible is profitable for doctrine, reproof, correction, and instruction in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16). It provides you with a knowledge of sin (Rom. 3:20) and an understanding and a hatred of false ways (Ps. 119: 104).
Through the eyes of your friends you can find out much about yourself. Jesus said to rebuke one who wrongs you, being ready, of course, to forgive him (Luke 17:3).

Paul advised that "you who are spiritual" should inform another of his fault (Gal. 6:1). The clear implication is that if someone else has a shoe of criticism that fits you, you should put it on gracefully.

Who is spiritual? "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" (Gal. 5:22-23).

Only if you react to someone else's faults "in the Spirit" should you point out their shortcomings. In other words, awareness of someone else's faults is first an occasion for personal soul-searching. When your heart is right, then seek to help someone else.

For the purpose of perfecting His people God has also ordained pastors, evangelists, and teachers (Eph. 4: 11-12). One who clearly exhibits the marks of his God-given call cannot only help you see yourself, but help you grow into maturity as you deal with the truth you discover.

A Painful Process
It may be one thing for a person to say in apparent sincerity that he wants to know himself, but the experience of doing so is quite another. A revealing glimpse of yourself is seldom a welcome one.

If your self-image is to be meaningful, it must be measured against a standard. Here our premise is that regardless of the means to self-discovery, the Bible provides the standard. For example, if you find bitterness in your heart toward others, you must measure yourself against the biblical standard which states: "May the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all, just as we do to you" (1 Thess. 3:12).

Self-discovery can be painful. For this reason you will be tempted to shrink from it. Jesus saw this tendency in the Pharisees, and said they justified themselves before men (Luke 16:15). Another time He said that people love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil (John 3:19). They prefer not to come to the light because the light exposes their sins.

Not only does a man try to hide his true self from others, but James warned that he may deceive himself: "Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves" (James 1:22, italics added). Unfortunately, "Better to let sleeping dogs lie" is usually preferred to discovering yourself.

For Jack and Ann, discovering their true natures was indeed a painful process. They considered themselves sincere Christians – and they were. They believed they were devoted to one another and dedicated to a like-minded partnership - and they were. To them, their sincerity meant that if their objectives were askew, God would have revealed this to them. God was at work in their lives, but it did not seem like it – not with this thick wall of silence between them, or Ann's tears, or Jack's temper.

What caused the buildup of their "crisis"? To get the answer, each had to want to know the truth about themselves. And so do you, to solve your problem.

Ask yourself these questions:
• What am I really like?
• What does a pat on the back do for me?
• What does a rebuke do to me?
• What happens when I am crossed? mistreated? misunderstood?

As time went on, Jack gradually discovered that though he had given in to Ann consistently, there were deep-seated reservations in his heart and vague irritation over some of his decisions to go along with her logical arguments. He accepted her neatness and thrift and the pace she set for him in church activity. He accepted intellectually, that is - but not wholeheartedly. He was like the little boy who, when told by his father to sit down in the car, sat down but said that inside he was still standing up.

Jack's experiences with Ann brought him to discover himself. Conditions in his job confirmed his discovery. He realized he was doing the same thing there – conceding to well-reasoned propositions outwardly, but not inwardly. As the Apostle Paul put it: "Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men" (Col. 3:23).

Jack had strong opinions of his own, and did not readily accept the views of others. With friends he could drift in and out of associations, which he did frequently in an effort to be comfortable. But when he married, he could not trade his wife for another when she annoyed him. The result was a growing sense of dissatisfaction. Since he could not escape from this discomfort, he tried to isolate himself from it by building a wall between himself and Ann.

On that rainy day his dissatisfaction suddenly flared, and he himself was surprised by it. Fortunately, that shouting episode brought his problem into focus. He saw that he could not admit to himself that he was making concessions he did not want to make, even though he was agreeing verbally to what was reasonable, logical, and desirable. He had discovered his selfish nature.

But what was he to do with this discovery, or insight? He could deny or ignore it, and be like the man who looked at himself in the three-way mirror while buying a suit and was horrified by his double chin and bulging waist. The man's response from then on was to stay away from three-way mirrors. Jack could also admit the truth of his discovery, but confession would not have meant automatic correction.

Ann found out some things about herself too. She had had her own way most of the time, thanks to her ingenuity and power of persuasion. It was true that her standards were fine ones. But Ann was also a very determined woman. This trait showed itself when she insisted on a neat room in college, even if she had to do her roommate's share of the work. It was apparent in the way she kept after Jack to hang up his coat and put away his shoes. Perhaps instead of "determined," "stubborn" is a better word.

If Ann failed to win people over by logic, she broke into tears or lapsed into silence till her opponent gave in. Perhaps "sulk" is the proper word. Ann just couldn't or wouldn't back down.

Ann came to see this herself. What was she to do with this discovery? Now knowing her strengths and weaknesses, was she to manipulate them to further serve her own selfish ends? Or should she admit her stubborn nature with a view to changing?
If she chose to defend her emotional ups and downs, she had the Bible as the standard by which to determine whether her defense was valid. If, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, she found she did not measure up to that standard, she had the grace of God available to change her.

Self-discovery is painful because it uncovers streaks in your makeup that you wish were not there – but which cannot be wished away. It confirms what John wrote almost 2,000 years ago: "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves" (1 John 1:8).

The objective is not morbid introspection, but an inward look for the purpose of moving on to higher ground. What causes me to be the way I am? I want to know because I don't want to live like this any longer. Other people have come to this conclusion about me a long time ago; it is about time I catch up with them.

Marriage, parenthood, a social situation, or your job may be the means to discovering your true self. But do not look for the root of your problem in your marriage partner or children or uncooperative neighbor; rather look for it in yourself. That which reveals a problem is not the problem itself. To treat the symptom is not to cure the disease.

A Helping Hand from Heaven
For a life of peace you must first discover your true self. Then to know what you have found, you must measure it by God's standard. You will find yourself short - everyone does. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom. 3:23). This is the reason you need the help which only Jesus Christ can give you. He alone can make you what you ought to be.

For Jack and Ann to change, they had to acknowledge their faults to themselves and one another, set aside their excuses, turn Godward, and truly seek forgiveness, cleansing, and spiritual strength on a daily basis. For Jack, he needed to admit that he only pretended agreement, deceived people, and hid an angry spirit. For Ann, she needed to admit her selfishness, stubbornness, and resentment. Because Jesus atoned for the sins of all people at the Cross, God will forgive, cleanse, and give them new spirits.

Jack and Ann also had to move from verbal agreements to mental assent. As the Bible declares: "Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment" (1 Cor. 1:10).

A wise practical counselor shows you the biblical way to overcome the many stresses of living.

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